


Leave Me If You Need To

by CourageInImmensity



Series: Your Love Is A Song [4]
Category: Glee, Harry Potter - Fandom, One Tree Hill, Smallville
Genre: Baby, Clay Evans - Freeform, Death, F/M, Funeral, Gen, Harry Potter - Freeform, Logan Evans - Freeform, Love, Marriage, Multi, OTH - Freeform, One Tree Hill - Freeform, Other, Sad, Sara Evans - Freeform, Tragedy, clara - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-01
Updated: 2019-09-01
Packaged: 2020-10-05 05:03:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20483315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CourageInImmensity/pseuds/CourageInImmensity
Summary: When Sara collapses and dies right in front of him, Clay is shell-shocked and devastated. In desperation, his mother summons his favorite sister Lily from England and in trying to figure out the new normal, everyone can only hope a little family unity can save him from the darkness.





	1. Leave Me If You Need To - Part 1

**Leave Me If You Need To - Part 1**

The pilot's painfully cheery voice over the plane's loudspeakers roused Lily Potter from a fitful sleep with the announcement that the British flight would soon be landing in Raleigh. With a groan, the redhead flipped up the shutter of the window she was seated next to and grimaced at the glowing sunset illuminating the clouds.

"It's not right," remarked a quavering voice on her right, and Lily glanced at her travel companion sadly; "The sky should not look that pretty right now. In the movies, it always rains at funerals. I need the freaking symbolism." With that, Jessica Parker jabbed a button on her in-flight entertainment screen and yanked off her headphones. "I can't believe this is happening; it's just…unreal."

"Did you sleep at all?" Lily asked, squeezing her friend's shaking fingers sympathetically, and Jessica shook her head. "We're almost there, it's either going to feel more real once we arrive or be harder than ever."

"How are you so calm, Lils?" the brunette asked her enviously. She jerked her thumb in the direction of her monitor; "The flight is even showing the very last Harry Potter movie at the moment. It's a brand new release for the last time ever, and it can't even keep me distracted. Do you know how much that sucks? I've been looking forward to it for months."

"I'm practicing staying as calm possible because that's what Clay is going to need from me right now," Lily told her softly. "It's a movie, Jess…you can't expect it to eclipse the death of your best friend. The whole thing really, really sucks, and that's all there is to it."

"Stop!" Jessica hissed and hunched over gasping just as the plane touched down with a jolt. Lily pressed a soothing hand against her back as the girl covered her eyes with clammy palms. "I bet even Louisa took the news better than this, pathetic I know." They distressed duo ignored the flight attendant bidding them farewell as they left the aircraft. Linking her arm with Jessica's, Lily drifted into thoughts of her sudden departure from England in the face of this tragedy.

_The previous day_

_"Louisa Potter, get back here right this instant," Lily demanded, chasing after her giggling seven-year-old. The raven-haired girl was the spitting image of her father except for Lily's sparkling emerald eyes, now glinting with an air of mischief. "It's eight o'clock, and certain little girls need to be in bed."_

_"That's no fun, Mummy," Louisa pouted, bouncing down the stairs towards James' study. "I'm going to be eight soon, you know. I think I deserve a later bedtime." James spun his swivel chair around at the commotion, just in time to catch the energetic little girl. "Don't I, Daddy?"_

_"What's this about?" he laughed, quickly stopping at the half-amused, half-impatient look on Lily's face as she watched the scene from the doorway._

_"Your daughter is protesting bedtime," Lily told him, shaking her head in exasperation as Louisa turned a full-blown pleading face on her father. "Don't you dare fall for her tricks, Potter!"_

_"You're going to get me in trouble too, munchkin," James groaned, tweaking Louisa's nose affectionately to make her laugh. "Listen to your Mum; it's safer for everyone. And I will get that," he announced, nudging his daughter off his knees to answer the phone ringing in the hallway. He could hear the little girl still protesting her defeat in the distance and couldn't help but smile as he picked up the receiver; "Hello?"_

_After kissing Louisa goodnight, Lily stepped back out into the corridor connecting the bedrooms and almost collided with James. It struck her immediately how pale and shocked he looked, and she frowned in concern; "What's wrong, babe? You look like you've seen a ghost. Who was it on the phone?"_

_"Your mother," he said faintly. "She said Sara died a few hours ago."_

_"What?!" Lily squeaked, and her palms pressed flat against the closed door behind her. "How?"_

_"Doctors said it was an undiagnosed aneurysm apparently," James said softly, but he wasn't looking her in the eye. Following his gaze downwards, Lily realized her knees were trembling violently and let him pull her into a soothing hug._

_"Did…did you talk to Clay?" she asked finally when she had managed a deep, steadying breath._

_James shook his head grimly; "Your Mum said he's in shock, really can't blame the guy. Sara collapsed in front of him, apparently. I quote: Tell Lily her brother needs her," he finished. "God, what a mess."_

_"I need to go," she said firmly. "Will you manage Lou on your own for a while?"_

_"Of course," he said quickly. "As long as it takes, don't worry about us. Are you going to tell the kid? I can try and find you a flight out tomorrow if you feel ready."_

_"The sooner, the better," Lily said reluctantly. "I love you; you know that?"_

_James nodded and pressed a kiss to her forehead, but the look in his eyes remained grim and troubled. "Shit, wasn't Jessica in college with Clay and Sara too?" he asked._

_"Oh God, you're right," Lily gasped, and the devastation she felt must have shown on her face because he pressed her head against his shoulder comfortingly. "I don't suppose you could take care of telling her too? I'm sure she'll want to say goodbye, they were very close. She'll take it better from you, childhood best friends and all."_

_"Okay," James agreed. "I'll call Jess right now and try and find you a flight while you tell the kid." He nodded at Louisa's bedroom door, and Lily flinched. He squeezed her fingers; "There's no easy way to do this," he reminded her and Lily knew he was right._

_Unsurprisingly, Louisa was sitting up in bed when Lily slipped into her bedroom, dimly lit by the pink glow of her Barbie nightlight. "Mummy, what's going on?" she asked, sounding sleepy now despite her alert posture. "You don't normally have conversations outside my bedroom door."_

_"Could you hear?" Lily asked hopefully, deflating when the girl shook her head. "Nana just called with terrible news, honey."_

_"What happened?" Louisa pressed, and the apprehension made her widened emerald-green eyes pierce the darkness of her bedroom._

_Before answering, Lily crossed over to the bed and pulled her daughter into her arms. "When did you get so grown up, kid?"_

_"Mum, just tell me," Louisa begged, but for once, she didn't squirm or pull away, nestling instead against her mother's shoulder._

_Lily took a deep breath, looking straight into the carbon copy of her eyes and hating the pain she was about to put in them. "Aunt Sara died today, sweetie," she said gently. Sure enough, at her words, Louisa's hopeful expression crumpled. "Lou?" she pressed in concern._

_"Are you going to America?" the seven-year-old asked simply, surprising her mother with how calm she sounded._

_"Yeah," she nodded; "Just as soon as your Dad can find me a flight, I'll have to go. Uncle Clay needs me right now." She hesitated when Louisa lurched forward and hugged her tightly. "Okay, not that I'm complaining, but what was that for?"_

_"Can you pass it on?" her daughter asked, and now her voice was quavering. "I know I can't come with you because of school and stuff…but Aunt Sara was Uncle Clay's favorite person in the whole world. And well, he's mine," she confessed. "So no offense, Mum, but that hug wasn't really for you. It was a present, okay?"_

_"Okay," Lily choked, nodding through a haze of tears. "I did something right with you, little angel."_

_"Are you going to miss my birthday in two weeks?" Louisa asked, and Lily's mouth fell open in dismay at the possibility. "It's okay if you do, just so you know. As long as you promise to give Uncle Clay lots and lots of those hugs, okay? Trust me, they work magic. I'll be fine here with Daddy."_

_"I know you will, lovey," Lily nodded, kissing the top of her daughter's scruffy head. "I love you, my brave girl. Try and go to sleep now, alright? I should go see if Daddy found me a flight, lots to do."_

A faint smile crept across Lily's face at the thought of her sweet seven-year-old, and she managed a reassuring tone to Jessica; "You're not pathetic, you're a girl who just lost her best friend. Louisa is lucky she's young; she'll bounce back soon enough. And you know what else?"

"What?" Jessica asked half-heartedly as they approached the baggage claim carousel. Lily pressed the brunette close to her while she kept a watchful eye out for her suitcase, only responding when both their bags had been recovered.

"I know you don't feel like you'll be much help to anyone right now, but I know Clay will be happy you're here," she said with great conviction. "Come on, let's try and find a taxi now. My Mom sounded absolutely desperate on the phone yesterday."

"Your little brother is a total rockstar, Lils," Jessica pointed out admiringly. "As if I'll make any difference, I remember when Sara's sister died, he was all she needed to get through it. I was always a tiny bit jealous of those two, it was amazing to watch."

"You'll make a huge difference, silly," the redhead told her. "Because he may have been Sara's rock through a horrible time, but she was his too. And now she's the one going six feet under I seriously doubt he has any rockstar action left to give." Lily glanced dismally out the taxi window when the devastation in Jessica's warm brown eyes became too much to bear. "Hey, there's your symbolic rain," she said instead, pointing at the water trails streaking suddenly across the glass. Her fingers trembled as they pressed against the cool window-pane; "I have to be calm, but it's incredibly hard, you know. You're absolutely right; nothing about this situation is fair. Poor little Logan must be so confused."

"Poor baby," Jessica murmured. "I hate to be right about how hard this is going to be, you know. I've wished for it to be a bad dream ever since James called me last night." She rubbed her eyes furiously and placed a hand on Lily's shoulder; "But I think you're right about one thing too: Being together right now will make a difference, and we'll get through this…all of us, right?"

"That's the spirit," Lily replied with a weak smile. "I think I'll feel better when we get to the house, and I can pass on Louisa's present, actually."

"What's the present?" Jess asked curiously. "That girl of yours is the sweetest, honestly."

"She really is," Lily agreed. "When I finally got around to tucking her in last night, I explained what happened, and she said she'd be okay with me missing her birthday if I had to. The only condition was giving her Uncle Clay lots of hugs; I envy her faith in how much they'll help to be honest."

"That's incredible," Jessica said fondly, as the taxi slowed to a halt at their destination. She glanced nervously at the house and then back at Lily; "You know what? Maybe I should come by tomorrow," she suggested. "Clay's probably in a state right now judging from what your Mum said. Don't want to overwhelm him, especially with the baby in the house and all. Tomorrow's a new day, don't you think?"

"Don't chicken out on me, Jess," Lily begged, staring at the dark windows of the house in turn. "That makes sense, but you have to come over tomorrow, alright?"

"I'm not, I swear," the brunette insisted. "I didn't fly all the way out here just for the funeral, okay? We're in this together, I promise. I just think he needs you first." Her friend continued to look doubtful, but then a light went on in the house, and Jessica leaned over to nudge the car door open. "Your Mum is probably waiting, you guys are in for a long night," she pointed out unnecessarily. "I love you, Lils, now go! Good luck and make Louisa's hug count from me, too, okay? I'll see you tomorrow, I promise."

"I can do hugs, definitely," Lily promised faintly, but she couldn't help trembling with the dreadful anticipation as soon as she climbed out of the car and made her way up the garden path.

Before she even reached the front door, it was flung open to reveal Marie Evans, her greying ginger hair a mess and a look of ill-disguised relief on her face. "Oh Lily, you made it," she said, opening her arms wide for a hug. "Thank goodness!"

"I made it," Lily repeated, the scent of her childhood overwhelming her fragile emotions once she was in her mother's embrace. "You weren't worried, were you?"

"I'm your mother, it's my job to worry," Marie said defensively. "I know it's been seven years since your father's freak accident, but I just hate that flying is your only way to come home."

"I don't think my being on a plane should be your biggest concern right now," Lily pointed out, attempting to joke, but the lump in her throat made it futile. She gazed in the direction of the bedrooms in the distance, straining to hear any signs of life. Clay and Sara's apartment was spread across one floor, bedrooms branching off a hallway past the living room and kitchen area. "Where is he?"

"Probably in the nursery," Marie said sadly, pointing to the bedroom on the left side of the hallway. "He's such a mess, but he won't let Logan out of his sight, which only makes the baby more upset. Eight months is old enough to sense that something's not right."

"Did you tell him that you called me?" Lily asked, pushing her suitcase against the wall without letting go of her mother's hand.

"No," Marie confessed. "I'm hoping the surprise of seeing you will snap him out of the shock. He's barely said a word since the paramedics took Sara away, the neighbors heard the ambulance sirens and called me."

"I can't believe this," Lily sighed. "James mentioned it was an undiagnosed aneurysm?"

"Apparently," her mother nodded. "I've been here since I got the call trying to help, can only imagine how devastated her poor parents must be right now."

"Didn't Sara's older sister die a few years ago?" Lily recalled Jessica's story sympathetically, her own memory of the event hazy. "I vaguely remember what a mess she was at graduation, one of the few times I saw that girl cry."

"Exactly," Marie shuddered. "Both daughters dead before the age of thirty, it's unimaginably tragic." She gave her daughter another squeeze; "I'm so glad you're here, sweetheart. Do you want to have a wash or something?"

"Later," said Lily, shaking her head. "Right now, I need to go and hug my little brother." She eased her fingers from Marie's grasp and headed in the direction her mother had pointed out, dreading what she would find with every step.


	2. Leave Me If You Need To - Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lily arrives in America to find her baby brother a complete wreck and struggles to pick up the pieces.

**Leave Me If You Need To – Part 2**

When Lily pushed the nursery door open with a slight creak, Clay was standing with his back to her, leaning over the crib at the other end of the room. "You can stop hovering, Mom," he said quietly, without turning around. "He's finally asleep."

"That sounds like Mom, alright." Lily watched him stiffen in shock, his fingers squeezing the safety rail of the crib before he turned around. Clay had their mother's blue eyes, but while Lily had seen Marie's shining with compassion and concern just moments ago, her brother's looked tortured right now. "Hey, you," she whispered, crossing the room as quickly as she could without making too much noise.

"Flo…but how?" His shocked voice was so hushed that Lily had to lean in very close to hear the words, but she took advantage of the moment to squeeze him tightly. "What are you doing here?"

"Did you honestly think Mom wouldn't call me?" she challenged affectionately, the pain in his eyes expanding the lump in her throat. "I love you, ducky."

"I'm not two years old anymore, Lils," he protested half-heartedly, but didn't object to the firm hug, bending over her shoulders to cling harder.

"You started it, dude," she said. "Two or twenty-five, you're my little brother forever. Flo was your first word because my friends were so unoriginal they used to call me Flower. Ring any bells?"

"Not really," Clay shrugged. "That's weird; Petunia is a flower too."

"I guess you had a good taste from a young age," Lily joked, but he wouldn't smile. "Does Tuney know?" she pressed hesitantly, wishing she hadn't when his expression darkened.

"She told Mom she can't leave her family right now," he muttered. "If her jerkface of a husband can get that kind of loyalty, I don't want her here anyway."

But with every word of that resentful statement, he was shaking, and Lily squeezed his fingers hard; "I'm sorry, honey." She frowned when he resisted her attempts to tug him out of the nursery. "Clay…you need to take a break," she urged. "Logan is fast asleep; he's fine right now."

"Well, I'm not," he choked, and Lily knew that something inside him had finally snapped when he moved towards the armchair in the corner and pushed the giant stuffed panda bear occupying it to the floor before flopping down on it himself. "How am I supposed to take care of him by myself? Sara and I were a team. I don't know how to do this without her!"

Biting her lip, Lily knelt on the floor at his feet and tugged Clay's hands away from his face. "Nobody knows how to deal with a situation this tragic from day one, sweetie," she said gently. "But you don't have to figure it out by yourself. You've got Mom and me and Sara's parents eventually, I imagine. What happened will never be fair, but you'll get through it, I promise."

"Thanks for trying," he said disbelievingly. "I've missed you, Lils." With a strained smile, she straightened up and perched on the armrest of the chair.

"I'll be around as long as you want," she promised. When their mother peeked into the nursery a little while later, she saw her two grown kids squashed into the armchair in the corner, Lily's head grazing her brother's shoulder and his shaking hands clinging to hers as if his life depended on it.

"Hey, kids, who all's hungry?" Marie asked finally, the second time she checked on them to find their positions unchanged, except for the fact that Lily was nearly asleep on Clay's shoulder. "Jetlag still exists, love," she pointed out at the flustered look on her daughter's face when she jerked upright. "The circumstances suck, but having you two under the same roof again does the old heart good." Her gaze drifted to Clay, who was staring at the crib again with a blank expression. When Lily got to her feet and stretched, Marie moved towards him and stroked his hair tenderly. "I made your favorite pancakes," she told him. "Breakfast for dinner, that's how badly I want you to eat something right now. Please?"

"But Mom, he's…," Clay protested, trailing off at the skeptical look on Lily's face.

"Fast asleep," Marie finished. "We'll be right outside, kid, that's why baby monitors exist."

"She did say please," Lily added, and Clay scowled at her in frustration.

"I liked you better when you were asleep," he said, getting to his feet with a sigh. "Fine, you win."

"As usual," Lily smirked, holding out her hand to him. "Come on, I don't know about you, but I'm starving."

There was a subdued silence when the siblings settled around the wooden table in the living room. Lily watched Clay intently while he dribbled syrup onto his pancakes. "I thought you were starving?" he reminded her, picking unenthusiastically at his plate.

"Right, of course." She followed suit with the syrup but never took her eyes off his haunted gaze. "I brought Jessica with me," she said conversationally, at a loss for anything else to say. "It was James' idea. They're still close."

"Wow," he said softly. "How did Jess take the news?"

"Not that much better than you to be honest," Lily admitted. "It's a shocking thing to happen, and they were best friends all through college. She's devastated, but she also cares a lot about you, you know."

"Sweet girl," Clay said fondly, and Lily nodded her agreement. All the while, Marie was watching him, slowly eating the syrupy pancake, and finally, Clay turned to her in exasperation; "Mom, would you please quit staring? It's going, see? Slowly but surely, you're the one always saying not to gobble."

"I'm sorry," she said, shrugging defensively. "You haven't eaten since we got back from the hospital, I worry about you."

"I have a perfectly valid reason not to be hungry," he pointed out, on full alert for any sound from the nursery, she could tell. "Kind of distracted here."

"You're going to need your strength tomorrow, kid," his mother argued, undeterred by the stubborn tone. "You can bet I'll do whatever it takes to get those pancakes into you. We've all been through the massive funeral situation before, after all. I doubt you've forgotten about that, so don't fight me on this."

Her voice broke, and Clay frowned at the subtle reminder of his father's death. "Mom, I…" he started apologetically but was interrupted by Lily's cell phone vibrating so violently it almost fell over the edge of the table.

She had been watching the building argument with a grave expression and saved her phone from going crashing to the floor with a relieved look at the timing. "It's James," she said, swiping the touchscreen to answer the call. "Hi, honey."

"He doesn't sleep without you, or what?" Clay marveled, checking his watch. "It's like 3 a.m. or something in England right now."

"Hush up, you," Lily laughed, making a face at her brother. "It's nice to be missed." To James, she added: "Yeah, Clay is amazed that you're calling this late. What have you been up to?"

"Trying to get your daughter to go back to sleep," her husband groaned, sounding exhausted. "I love the girl, but ever since we realized her summer vacation starts literally next week, she's been going on about missing out on this trip."

"She's awake now?" Lily demanded. "Give her the phone, right now! Crazy girl."

"I love you too, Lils," he joked, faking offense at her one-track mind. "Hope you all get through tonight, okay. Here's the little menace now."

"Hi Mummy," came Louisa's sheepish voice seconds later.

"Was I too quick to call you an angel, kid?" Lily asked. "You were supposed to listen to Daddy while I'm gone, not be awake at three in the morning."

"I'm sorry, Mum," she said quietly. "I just really wanted to make sure you passed on my present properly. I promise I'll go back to sleep if you let me talk to Uncle Clay."

"You're good, kiddo," Lily admitted. "Are you sure this isn't just a bargaining chip to put off sleeping at a decent hour?"

"Mum, I'm serious," her daughter protested, and Lily could picture her pouting face in the tone of her voice.

"I believe you," she said affectionately. "Promise you'll go to sleep after that, okay?"

"I promise," repeated Louisa solemnly, and Lily handed the phone to Clay.

"Since you're not interested in the pancakes, could you please talk to my kid, so she goes to sleep?" she begged. "And tell her I'm taking good care of you while you're at it."

"Sure I can," Clay nodded, taking the phone from her. "Hey squirt, what the hell are you doing awake?"

"Uncle Clay!" she squealed, choosing not to answer the question. "Did Mummy give you a big hug like I told her to?"

"She sure did," he assured her. "More than one, in fact. Thanks for letting me borrow her for a little while."

"Anytime," Louisa giggled. "Did she tell you what else I said last night when she told me she had to go?"

"Ooh, she slipped up," he said mock-seriously; "What else was there? You can tell me yourself now."

"I told her Aunt Sara was your favorite person in the whole world. So, of course, I had to let her come and help because you're my favorite, okay? I just needed to say that. Can I be your person now? Like Meredith and Cristina on Grey's Anatomy. You know that show?"

"I…I've heard of it," Clay told her, struggling to speak around the lump swelling in his throat. "Aren't you a little young for that kind of thing, kid?"

"It's so bad for me, I love it," Louisa told him. "That doesn't answer my question: Will you let me be your person next time you need one?"

"That doesn't even need to be a question," he replied thickly. "You have always been my person, squirt. I love you, Lulu."

"Awesome!" she cheered; "I love you too. Try not to be sad, okay? You still have a person now, see?"

"Go to sleep, smartypants," he choked; "Good talk…thanks, baby. I miss you."

"Stupid school," she sighed dramatically. "Goodnight, say bye to Mummy for me."

Before he could even agree, Louisa had hung up, and Clay exhaled deeply as he handed Lily her phone back. She watched him with deep frown lines creasing her forehead; "How do you feel?" she pressed.

"Very in love with your kid," he said fondly, but Lily could see the lingering despair in his eyes, unshakeable even before a long wail rang out from the direction of the nursery. "Logan," he whispered and lurched towards the source of the noise, his half-eaten pancakes forgotten.


	3. Leave Me If You Need To - Part 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Logan's devastation with his mother gone drags Clay even further down the rabbit hole of despair.

**Leave Me If You Need To – Part 3**

"I told you that leaving the room was a bad idea," said Clay in a tight voice to his mother when she and Lily paused apprehensively in the nursery doorway. "It's not humanly possible for Logan to be fine right now, it's just not!" The infant was red-faced and screaming as if he was being tortured and the two women watched his distress in dismay. Clay held his son against his shoulder, rubbing his back and shushing him desperately. "I know the feeling, little man, believe me." When he had paced the length of the nursery a few times to no avail, he stared desperately at his mother. "Any bright ideas?"

Marie shook her head regretfully, but Lily stepped slowly forward. "What about a scent? Did Sara have a regular perfume or something? We could put a few drops on his blanket."

"That is a brilliant idea, love," said their mother approvingly and both women watched Clay's thoughtful expression curiously. "Well?"

"Jasmine," he said slowly at last; "I got her a bottle of jasmine perfume for Christmas when Logan was a month old. She used it all the time, I think that could actually work."

"Go and find it," Marie urged, reaching for Logan. "I have ways with this little angel, yes I do."

She settled the eight-month-old in her arms and he curled instantly against her chest and stopped screaming. Clay gaped at the sight for a moment, then swept hurriedly past his mother and out of the room before the pain simmering beneath the surface could explode. The master bedroom was just opposite the nursery and when Lily stormed after her brother, she found him standing in front of the sleek black dresser, fingering the bottle of perfume they needed. "You okay?" she asked softly, when it went without saying that he wasn't.

"Who am I kidding? I can't even calm Logan down, I'm useless." His trembling fist was clenched so hard around the perfume bottle, Lily was afraid he would shatter it with his bare hands.

"Clay, you are not useless!" she said firmly, prying the bottle gently from his grasp. "But we do kind of need this, ease up, okay?" He surrendered the bottle to her, but then sank onto the bed as if the world was wearing him down. Lily placed the bottle carefully back on the dresser and sat down beside him. "You really need to let yourself be upset. Keeping it inside isn't going to help anyone."

"I don't know how to let go, Flo," he choked. "We were supposed to have so much more time. Logan needs his mother…and so do I. If you make me cry right now I'll never stop, so please don't!"

"Nobody's expecting you to stop, sweets," she pointed out carefully. "Hell, I'm more surprised you're keeping it together at all right now."

"I'm really not," he said; "it just doesn't feel real yet, that's the problem. I keep feeling like this is a bad dream and I'm going to wake up soon." His eyes shone with unshed tears as he whispered; "I kept begging her to wake up, the whole thing just felt like a nightmare. How is this real life?"

"Life is kind of a bitch sometimes," said Lily sympathetically, knowing that on a normal day her frank quips could have made him laugh. "You're strong enough to get through this, ducky. I'm not going to let you forget that, ever." With that she finally pulled him to his feet and back towards the nursery; "We should get this to Logan," she said, clutching the jasmine perfume bottle carefully. "Come on."

By the time they got back to the nursery, Logan's agonized tantrum had subsided to slight whimpers. "Did you find it?" asked Marie quietly, swaying gently on the spot to keep her grandson calm. Lily held up the bottle triumphantly and slowly approached the infant, unscrewing the bottle as she went. Clay and his mother watched with bated breath as she squirted some fragrance onto the pale yellow baby blanket that had once belonged to her.

"How's that, Wolverine?" Lily cooed but Marie was staring anxiously at her son. Lily followed her mother's gaze and moved back towards Clay, wrapping him up in another hug for their mother's sake. "See? Crisis averted, I don't see any useless parents here."

"What's this about useless parents?" demanded Marie sternly, contenting herself with a disappointed glance at Clay when Logan stirred at the sound of her raised voice. "Honey, you look wiped out. I'll get Logan back to bed, please go and get some sleep."

"But Mom…" he began wearily, trailing off when Lily linked her arm through his, steering him forcefully to bed. "Flo, sleep is a super bad idea!"

They had reached the master bedroom again now and his sister was eyeing him disbelievingly. "How could sleep possibly be a bad idea right now? I for one am totally beat."

"Mom of all people should understand," Clay muttered; "when Dad died it was just me and her before you and Tuney arrived from England. She used to say the bed felt too big without him. Now I understand why."

"Oh Clay," Lily sighed and this time he didn't bother fighting it when she hugged him so hard, it was as if she was trying to glue the shattered pieces of his soul back together. "Would it help if I stay with you? You really need to sleep, somehow or other."

"You're kind of awesome," he said simply and she took it as a yes.

"I know," she joked half-heartedly. "I'll be right back, alright?" With that, Lily gently kissed his cheek and drifted out to the guestroom to change into her nightgown.

It was when he was standing alone in his bedroom that the weight of his memories made it feel like the walls were closing in on him. Clay closed his eyes, hoping that removing the bed from view would help, but the memories were sharp enough even without the bed in sight. "Wake up," he whispered, with no idea if he was trying to shake himself out of this nightmare or will Sara back to life with his sheer desperate need for her.

A strange sense of panic was tightening its grip on his heart and making it harder to breathe when the phone rang in the hallway. Glad for an excuse to tear himself away from the suffocating bedroom, Clay moved to answer it. "Hello?"

"Hi Clay," said a familiar British voice. "It's Jess, I hope it's okay that I'm calling now. I would have come in to say hi with Lily, but I figured Logan didn't need a stranger around tonight." Her voice was thick with emotion; "How are you holding up?"

"About as well as you from the sound of it," said Clay dully. "It just doesn't feel real. I almost envy Logan, he's still allowed to cry hysterically because he's only a baby."

"Who says you can't cry too?" said Jessica frankly and it was so typical of her that Clay felt his spirits lift slightly. Despite her own tumultuous relationship with Clay's room-mate Alex, Sara's wing girl had been the peace-maker in their group of college friends for as long as he'd known her.

"Did James put you up to this?" he asked. "I hope you're not still in cahoots with my brother-in-law, Jessie."

"Who says cahoots anymore? You insult me, Evans." She gave a shaky laugh; "My relationship with the Potters might go even further back than your sister's, but he didn't have to put me up to anything. I'm here for you, okay? We'll get through this."

"So Lily keeps saying," said Clay gloomily, but her affection warmed his heart anyway. "I-I don't really know what to say about any of this yet, but I'm really glad you're here. Thanks, Jessie."

"I love her, too," said Sara's former room-mate simply and that was enough to make countless flashes of their years at Duke together bubble to the surface. "Anyway, I just called to check in. Get some sleep, okay? I'll see you tomorrow, I promise."

When she had hung up the phone, Jessica paced back over to the single bed in her hotel room and tugged her laptop towards her. The memorial page on Facebook she had neglected to mention to Clay just yet was already getting hits, but Jessica just stared at the profile picture she had selected. It was one of the shots from Sara's wedding photoshoot and the pearl-string around her neck shone as brightly as her eyes. "It's not fair, bestie," the brunette whispered, trailing her finger across the screen. "So many people need you here." Staring at her best friend's happiest day captured for posterity, Jessica made a vow she hoped Sara could hear wherever she was. "If you could find a way to not let Clay hate me for this memorial it would be great. We won't let Logan forget you, I swear."


End file.
